where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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