gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
