Who wears a wallet chain?!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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