she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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