He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
