Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
