Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
