I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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