He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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