so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
