i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
