I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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