mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
