nut hugger
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
