Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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