I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
