there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
