My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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