Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
