I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
