Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
