Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
