Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
