i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
