4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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