...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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