do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
