I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
