i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
