i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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