fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
