I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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