if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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