Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
