We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
