Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
