If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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