sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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