Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
