mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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