Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
