jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
