I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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