Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
our cab driver is having phone sex.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
