There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
