his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
