So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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