people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
