you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
