WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
