I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
